I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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