When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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