he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
