Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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