I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
