i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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