I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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