turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
