Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
