My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
