I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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