who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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