She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pooping to opera.
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