I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
