dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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