you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
