the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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