So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
