i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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