we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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