Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm passing your future prison.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
