So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
