Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
