I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize