She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
