Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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