I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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