Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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