i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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