i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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