im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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