I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
