It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
