you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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