he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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