There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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