Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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