that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
