Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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