Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
