he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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