Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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