I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
