people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
