Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
