Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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