it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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