if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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