shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize