well I can't set my house on fire every night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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