I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
