he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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