my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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