she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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