Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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