you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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