Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
