There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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