i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
