Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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