a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
