I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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